1 Timothy 6:20 Be Where You Are

1 Timothy 6:20

Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless clutter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge,

Guard what has been entrusted to our care.

How often do we tend to languish where we are? We barely touch ground where we have landed before our hearts and minds start to reach for the next place, the next class, the next job, the next home, the next phase....the next moment. And if we aren't careful, we either spend our whole lives on in self pity where we are or on stepping stones towards no where.

We step in anticipation of the next step. We live in anticipation of the next phase. We contribute in the anticipation of the finished product. We love in anticipation of the relationship to come. We work in anticipation of the next day off, raise or payday. We pray in anticipation to what we will be granted.

If we aren't careful, we base our lives on the future instead of what we have been gifted in the present. We live for what might be instead of what is.

But what if the purpose is in the journey? What if the purpose of our day wasn't the completed project at work or school but rather in the long, frustrating line that we had to wait in at midday in order to get the supplies that were needed? The lady that stood behind us, the gentleman in front of us or the cashier that was having a rough day might have been our purpose for that day.
However, how many times to we rush past focusing on the end result that we completely butcher the in between. We literally miss our cue. We miss our part and it simply passes us by.
Perhaps we need to take stock in where we are at this very moment, take heed and see where God is working in our midst. Instead of praying at the beginning for help and with gratitude at the end, we need to seek wisdom in our every day mundane encounters that may not be so mundane.

Every single, every single encounter that we have is a divine appointment. A moment in time that we will never be able to replay. A moment in which our testimony can either encourage fellow believers and the seekers or it can cause a blemish on our faith. Every encounter.
Does that seem like too much pressure? No down time?

As we seek to become faith walkers instead of talkers, our lives will reflect our faith. We will find that our down time isn't any different than our most stressful times. We will live in the moments of the journey instead of simply trying to hold it together for the finished product. Our faith is not a sprint but rather a marathon. A marathon of discipline, endurance and perseverance that is covered by mercy and grace.

We don't have to run the rat race. We can choose to be different.

We can choose to live worthy.

Slaton's Last Words for His Pappa

He wanted to give a beautiful speech for Pappa...and that he did. His Pappa would have been proud.

I don't remember his exact words but I remember his determination to say his few words. I remember how he realized that he would be wearing his suit that he had bought with his birthday money from Pappa and he responded that God knew then what he would need.
I love his faith that already has seen more adversary and death in his young years than most of us do in a lifetime and he doesn't waver ever in the love that He knows His Father bestows on his life. May it continue to grow greatly and not be tarnished by this world but rather strengthened in boldness.

I was asked last night if I have more patience raising Slate than I did Devon and Tae. I responded that I have more wisdom and I do. After walking through the sudden death of Tae, my instincts were confirmed. Its not about material possessions, talents or riches. It's about having a relationship with the Almighty and whatever as a parent that I can do to foster that, to model that, to live that...so that they might know. Sometimes that simply comes by living life together and other times it comes from heartfelt prayers on our knees. That's our purpose.

I am Okay.

As we stood where we stood four years ago, I couldn't help but reflect on how the cemetery, the lake, the church looked much like it did then but the landscape of our world has changed greatly.

Mom's death was the first death then that had been so close that seemed to be out of the order of this world. I wrestled with God over that one. I did. I spent three days pouring through Scripture, praying, trying to make sense and find comfort in my soul. I cried more than I have ever cried and then slowly it seemed that heaven became more than just an end point somewhere out there but it became real...a destination.

And I was okay.

Then the seemingly unthinkable happened, our 19 year old daughter Taellor was killed by a tree falling as she lay in a hammock. Killed instantly. However, I had walked this path before with my mom. I knew exactly where she was. Not where she was going but where she already was. God gently reminded us of Psalm 139. He knew her numbered days before she was even born. At the age of 19, although contrary to what the world might think, she had lived her life to its fullest
and in full.

And I was okay.

Then the news came of terminal cancer with my father. I had just spent an amazing weekend with him reflecting on life, death and hope. Three weeks and six days later, I held his hand as he took his last breath. He knew where his next destination would be...at heaven's gates being reunited with my mom and Taellor. I was reminded once again of the faithfulness of our heavenly Father who had overcome death so that we could have eternal life in heaven....so that death did not have the final word but rather ushered in Holiness.

And I am okay.

Death is real, my friends. It will come to us all. Maybe not today or tomorrow or perhaps today or tomorrow. But make no mistake, it will come. We can choose to look it in the face strengthen by the blood of Christ oblivious to its intended sting or we can choose to avert our gaze in hopes of not catching its eye in hopes that we might be overlooked. Its not a game. It is real with our direction being decided by choice that we make. We will all receive eternal life......the question that lies in the abyss is where eternity will be spent. And while it is easy to give a quick, knee jerk response, it looks entirely different when you face deaths door. Do you know deep in your soul?

Live worthy.

— with Helen Conner Tyree.

The Boy and His Pappa...One Final Time

Special day.
— with Devon Stearns and 3 others.

August 14

It's a beautiful morning...a quiet stillness to the air. Slightly overcast as the day holds the promise of new day. A few deer gaze amongst the trees as birds fill the air with their sound. God's creation. A beautiful day.

We will bury our father today and the emotions that keep running through my mind are those of gratitude. We have been truly blessed and continue to be so. Bathed it seems quite literally in his grace and mercy....we are strangely okay.

For how can we grieve, when we know that a body that once was breaking done with age and disease will break down no more? How can we loose ourselves in sorrow when our parents, who rarely spent a moment apart, have been reunited? How can sadness fill the air when a grandfather was finally able to hug his granddaughter whom he missed greatly?

How can we be downcast when we know that our father on earth has come face to face with our Heavenly Father?

Face to face with the Almighty.

And as the mysteries of heaven unravel for my father, as he is captured by the glory that abounds in a place of no sorrow, pain nor suffering, we, still here on this earth, will choose to rejoice in his homecoming. As we reflect that our family here on this earth has now been reduced to half, we are reminded that death and departure from this earth is real so then are spurred on to His calling as the tethering here on this earth becomes more loose.

God is ever faithful. Every moment, every step, every detail, He walks with us step by step. From the words He gives us to people He puts in our path. He loves us. Death is very much a part of our lives here on this earth. Sometimes it descends upon bus swiftly while sometimes it seems to creep upon us. Regardless of its mode of arrival, it enters in with the steady confidence. And while satan might try to use it to invoke fear and sorrow, God's Light reveals it to be what it truly is....the transition from here to there.

And that's a beautiful day.

August 12

In the book of Ecclesiastes, we are told that there is a time for everything on this earth. A time to be born and a time to die. We tend to look upon births as the adding to our lives. The addition of another person who will fill our lives with memories and love. We see them as happy and joyous times as we anticipate the expansion of those who surround us.

We tend to look upon deaths as quite the opposite. Death takes away. It subtracts from our life instead of adding to it. It leaves us with a void that is not only physically noticeable but emotional as well. We tend to find ourselves feeling less than and deserted. 

Perhaps though, death is really none of those but rather the extension of something far more. Perhaps death allows ourselves to be less tethered to this world and extended beyond the boundaries of what it is simply seen. When our loved one dies, they don't cease to exist but rather they enter into the heavenly realms extending our territories far beyond this earth.

And while there is a time to grieve, lets not let it overshadow the glory of what has truly taken place. Setting aside our perspective of what was seemingly lost from our lives, let's choose to embrace the reality of the Truth....and in that, we find freedom from the grief laying the beauty of joy that surpasses all understanding.

Dad's Announcement

Graveside services will be held at Pontiac Cemetery at 11:00 am on Friday, the 14th. Visitation will be from 9:00-10:30 at Clinkingbeard Funeral Home in Gainesville the same day.
In lieu of flowers, memorial donations can be made to Taellor's House through Project H.O.P.E. at 1419 S Enterprise, Springfield, MO 65804.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. This was dad at Taellor's Cross Carry at Camp Barnabus barely a month ago. He's spending his 74th birthday in the presence of his Savior surrounded by the ones he loves....Nanna and Sissy.

August 11

We are so thankful for those who faithfully pray for Slaton every day.

He fell asleep late last night knowing that when he awoke his pappa would no longer be on this earth but in heaven. He gave him an extra long hug and kiss and told him to hug and kiss nanna and sissy for him.

He woke up right after dad passed. When I told him that his pappa had just entered heavens gates his response was, "I know, I know this is really important for him but I'm really tired."

This morning he awoke with the craziest smile and said, "Can you just think about what Pappas doing now? He's back with nanna and sissy."

Slate is fine. We all are. We rejoice in where he is. My mom and dad were always together. Always. This morning there is joy here.

August 11... Dad's Birthday

"I have told you these things so that in me, you shall have peace. "

And peace we have. Peace knowing that early this morning, on His birthday, our father was reunited with His Lord welcomed by his wife and granddaughter both whom he eagerly anticipated seeing again.

A world that would offer despair and bodily decay has no power over the King of all Kings. I am astounded, again, by the magnitude of our Savior. A Savior that not only conquered death Himself but made a way so that each of us could also.

I cant help but smile imagining the reunion that is taking place this very moment. Oh my goodness, what a glorious day.

August 10

Though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

Even with the sentence of death hanging amidst the room, there is not fear. Only the assurance that heaven is on the other side.

Not hope in that hopefully Nanna and Tae will welcome him but hope in steadfast knowledge that this is the next step in the journey. As I watch his body rapidly begin to falter, I notice an anticipation for what is to come.

There are many that seem to fear this time. This moment, however, it is very much one of the times when we, if honored with the ability to do so, witness heaven and earth touching. A Holy moment.

This world is not our home but rather a temporary dwelling. Our bodies, merely tents, as we live as foreigners in a land that we will never find true peace. Death reminds us of this...of our own mortality. Our own ticking clocks, so to speak.

We can try to settle here. We can even tether ourselves as much as may by acquiring much, however, the moment will come when it will all be for naught and they only accomplishment that will matter will be the one that we didn't do ourselves. But rather that we trusted the One who did.

"Praise the Lord" as my daddy said, "Praise the Lord"

Death can be faced courageously knowing that the angels have come and await the time.
May we all rest in such assurance.

August 10 Slate and his Pappa

Slate has always had a uniqueness about him. Always. A quirkiness, if you will. His diagnosis with Aspergers explained a lot of the differences between him and his peers. Yet, there is always the underlying stigma wherever we are that he is just....well, different.

Tonight, I saw our son, seven years old, gather his pappa's hand in prayer and led our family in the most precious prayer that I could ever have imagined. Speechless. As I looked upon his face, knowing how much he loves his pappa, I saw him giving his blessing for his pappa to go on...to join his nanna and sissy.

I think, perhaps, too often that we dismiss the spiritualness of our children...delegating them to where we assume they should be instead of fully appreciating where they are. Child-like faith isn't a simple faith but rather the kind of faith that hasn't been tarnished by the skepticism of this world. A faith that is without question but rather just is.

I love that kind of faith. The kind of faith that we, as adults, seem to have to fight our way back to. The faith that moves mountains even today. The faith that parts the seas and rises the dead. It is ours for the taking...not to be feared but to be embraced. Not to be hidden but to be shared.

Slate and his Pappa two weeks ago.

August 10

As I sit here tonight with dad, watching, listening, anticipating the last breath, I am reminded time and time again of the days and nights dad sat with me as I labored with my children.

Each time patient and supportive. Loving, yet, scared himself it seemed to see his daughter in such pain....but anticipating the new life that would be brought forth.

Tonight, perhaps, we labor one last time together... anticipating new life. Anticipating a newness in a way that we can only imagine. Soon, he will be there...surrounded by my mother and my daughter. As sure as the sun rises and falls, he will experience life as never before...no more pain, no tears, no suffering.

What a day of rejoicing that will be!

Another Slatonism....

Should have known the saloon show would turn out to be more than the "saloon show" with Slate....

Mom, what is a saloon?

Why did they show their bloomers?

What is a wild woman?

After we talked about it for awhile, he got quiet and said, "Kind of like your brothel visits?".

Checkmate.

Yep, Slate, they were..... no more saloon shows.

— with Devon Stearns.

August 9....

Dad update

Every morning, he seems to wake up angry that he hasn't died throughout the night. Angry that he must endure another day....angry that it isn't over.

And that is hard.

Hard to understand, hard to embrace, hard to love through. But we will. We have told dad from the beginning that we will do this your way. The hard part is when that way isn't the way I would have picked. Another day is another gift to spend surrounded by the ones you love not another day to have to exist through.

God's timing.....not ours.

Thanks for praying. We continue on. God has a purpose, a plan and it will glorify Him. He will being good out of this as we obediently walk this path and we find joy in the blessings that He had given us.

Moment by moment.

August 8... Papa and His Boy

At various times, I've heard them talking. Slate and his Pappa just like they always have. For hours about anything and nothing just talking together. Lately though it seems that conversation drifts to dying and heaven. Kids say the darndest things but they often say the things that we are all thinking...yet have difficulty uttering.

Are you scared of dying, Pappa? My sissy wasn't scared. She will show you what to do and where to go.

Why are you sad? You will see nanna and Taellor and I'll be there someday.

Do you think it is hot in heaven? I don't like to be sweaty sometimes.

And they talk and talk pondering what is to come.

When my mom died, I sheltered him and kept him away from what I thought I should have but when Tae died, there was no sheltering him. He was there right beside his sister as she made that journey. He knew more than I did, saw more than I and rested confidently that she was in heaven. And while he missed her, he was okay with her being there.

So when we got the call about dad, there was no question about him coming.,..about him walking this journey with us.

I love how his view of death is being shaped....not as something to fear but rather as a part of the journey towards eternity. From a young age, he has seen that death doesn't mean gone but rather transitioned to heaven. Moved not ceased to exist. Heaven is as real as the country of China to him...even though he has never visited either.

I love that. Satan would have us to shush the questions, hide behind the uncomfortable moments and shy from the unknown yet we serve the King that reveals the mysteries of this world and the hereafter...we just have tons it at His feet and listen.

Thank you for continuing to pray for "the boy".

August 7

I am always amazed at God's attention to the details in our life...and not just the details but the details our mere thoughts that we've barely spoken much less uttered out loud.

This morning at the Global Leadership Conference, Bill Hybels spoke about his experience in the death of his father. He spoke of how he questioned being able to lead the charge that he'd been given without the earthly precense of the one who believed in him most of all....his father.

My daddy, too, is my greatest supporter. The one who always sees in me what sometimes I fail to see. The one who encourages me to follow the calling even at such a cost to him. The one I know will always be there no matter the reason or time or place. My dad's journey will end and along with it will end my having an earthly presence of my parents.

God confirmed to me this morning something He's been saying all along.... He is the father to the fatherless. As much as my daddy loves me and supports me, God does even more.

Death

Death...

An interesting ponder. We typically don't ponder it until something comes into our life that forces us to face our mortality....or the mortality of those we love.

When I first received the phone call regarding the accident that would claim Taellor's life, I knew that we were at a pivotal place in our life. When I saw her body, God immediately brought Psalm 139 to mind. "I know", He seemed to say. "I knew even before she was born her number of days.". And with that knowledge that I knew He had....I found peace.

I've been watching my dad refuse to eat thinking he can hasten what seems will be...and I don't see it hastening. I observe his desire to know how much longer and, yet, none of us know. My brother tries to encourage my brother to eat anything hoping to extend his life with each added calorie. Truthfully, any of us could go even before he does. Tae's death taught me that.
Our minds seek to exhibit control and order over things that we have no control in....at all. We think we can find security in that knowledge.

But security is only found in Him. A firm foundation. Each day we are given we can choose to embrace and live or we can choose to let it fall as sand through our fingers. We can choose to spend it embracing joy or let despair cloud us. Either way, a day is a day. An ordained day the God has given us. Each minute ours to live.

After Tae died, I was reminded that someday I will stand in front of Him just as she did...and I will stand alone. I choose to stand worthy. Even if it hurts, even if it doesn't seem to sense...God has allowed it and He will make good of it.

1 Timothy 6:18

1 Timothy 6:18
Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds and to be generous and willing to share.
Do good and good deeds. Be generous and share.

We do this, yes? However do our lives permeate with this command? Every day. Every moment. It seems to often that we do this as a scheduled event. Next Tuesday, we are going to do a shoe drive. Check. Next Saturday, we are going to take a meal to a family in need. Check. On Sunday, we are scheduled to teach in Sunday School. Check.

Too often, we fulfill this requirement by scheduled obligations. Our calendar us filled with many such obligations. We lived stressed trying to meet them all. Yet, many times the obligation doesn't go much farther than our planner and our hasty drop-off as we quickly move to the next scheduled event to do good....because that is what we are supposed to do.

Yet, too often it leaves us drained instead of filling us with joy and we become overwhelmed by what we feel obligated to do instead of experiencing the joy the comes with serving through obedience. It is what is in our heart that God is interested in...not what is in the casserole dish.
He has called us to bless someone, to be His hands and feet, for a reason and it isn't because we make the best fried chicken or because we own the fastest lawn mower. He's called us to grow us, to mature our faith and to give us the opportunity to work where He is working. A divine appointment.

Something to be treasured not out of duty but out of the pleasure of serving with our Father. In time, our planner will no longer be filled with scheduled good deeds but rather our lives will become one with goodness. We won't have to schedule it. It will just be.

Live worthy.

August 4

Dad update-
We have progressed to a hospital bed and wheelchair today as he has weakened. We know the journey that we are on....doesn't make it easier but does make it reality.

We spoke today to several people today that didn't know our history. They didn't know that four years ago, our mother passed away from a rare form of cancer. A year ago, our Taellor passed quickly as she lay in a hammock and today, we face the journey of passing for our father. As each of them, trained professionals, looked at us with nothing to say, silence filled the air. 

It's okay not to have anything to say. It is. Sometimes the most profound thing that you can say is just to pray, reach out and walk this journey with us. And sometimes that is in silence.

And we okay. We are.

God ordained their days before they were born. In His infinite wisdom, He has allowed this to happen. Heaven waits just on the other side for those who believe. Satan would have us to be fearful and grief stricken but we are not of this world but rather a people who have the assurance of eternity.

And that, my friends, is where the joy is found.

True joy. Thank you for continuing to lift our family up in prayer.

August 3

I love how God takes what the world might interpret as being brokenness or rather the guaranteed path towards brokenness and He uses it to build strength, sure Hope and assurance.
He takes the deaths and just as He did, over comes the finality of the grave. It is not final. It is no more final to my mom, my daughter and soon to be my father than it was for Him. Just as sure as I believe that He rose from the grave, I know they have also.

And there is joy in that.

I've struggled with the timing of this with my dad. Taking me out of the dump, the community, the cancer shelter, the brothels...during a time when we received the call to get our son...and I've wrestled with the wisdom in it all.
And God responded quickly with, "I have allowed it all."
And as I bowed my head in reverence, rebuked as a young child.

I knew. I knew that whatever He has allowed He will make good from it all. He will. He, in His infinite wisdom, understands. And that is enough for me.

And as we walk this path, as Slate described the other night, "First Nana, then sissy, now pappa. My heart can't hurt much more,". Yet, there's a place called heaven that will dry those tears and the hurt of this world will be but a distant memory.

The boy and his pappa.

1 Timothy 6:17

1 Timothy 6:17
Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

We can be so sure of ourselves. So sure of our life, our schedule, our world and our priorities.

We live as if guaranteed tomorrow, guaranteed the rest of today and promised our next breath. We find security in our homes, communities and cars focusing in out achievements and successes or lamenting on what we could or should have had.

Our lives focus on the promises of this world. Promises of happiness and happy ever afters that seem to come true for some and fall short for others. We to often guide ourselves by what is seen on TV or mainstream idealizing what it would be like if.

If we had more money.

If we had a better body.

If we had more loving family relationships.

If we better friends, a faster car, more this, more that.

A better life.

If only. If only none of that mattered to us. If only we could look at our life, the cards that we have to play and step up to the plate to play the biggest game of our life. Because that, dear ones, is what it is....no do overs. One shot.

One shot and then for some of us the opportunity to sit back and reflect on the choices that we've made. Choices that will reflect how the definition on wealth changes as we become closer to our Father. Wealth that the world will tell must look and smell shiny new but instead is found in a Hope that is older than the world. A Hope that never fades.

Can you imagine a better life than living one that can not be tarnished, dimmed nor crushed by this world? A life that is so focused on the Hope of Christ that the rest is just fog that fails to penetrate and simply disappears. That kind of life. A life so steeped in His provisional grace that, looking neither left or right, God's love oozes out of us. Do you feel His love oozing today?

Of course, today is Monday, the kids aren't in school yet, the car broke down, new job, dying parent or child and the list goes on and on. But, these are all things of this world. Each and every one. None eternal. Focus instead on what is eternal and when we only focus there life has a completely different perspective.

A perspective that can't be bought.

Live different.

The Boys Left back in Nicaragua....

Exploring the beauty of Nicaragua....
Love, love, love.....

Travis....

Travis sharing the vision of Taellor's house with our teams from Marianna and Dexter.

This picture warms my heart. This has been a difficult part for him....talking in front of people since Tae has been gone. He's not big on talking in front of large crowds anyways but after Tae's death, he hasn't done so.,...not at all.

Until now.

When I came back to be with my dad, this was one of my prayers for him...strength in these moments...the moments when I typically would step forward. And look at him! God answers. The heart of this daddy sharing the Hope that will be shared with all who enter here...named honoring his only daughter who believed that hope in Christ was all that was needed....and it was available to all.
Love it.

July 31

Dad update-
Dad has made the decision not to try chemo but to enter into hospice "s care. It is interesting his thoughts on hospice but I think we realize that each path that he would take ends in his passing....one holds the promise of a lot more pain and discomfort and the other holds the desire to make him as comfortable as possible...not to speed up death but to walk beside him in this journey.

For the past several days, we have collectively each been on our own individual journeys. Each coming from our own perspectives. My brother with the desire to fight and extend dad's life as long as possible. My dad with the desire to not to make a decision because, frankly, each of the choices are crappy. And myself, who believes that God numbers our days not man. Three different views each grounded in faith and love for each other.

God found us common ground this morning as my father gathered us together in prayer....him on bended knees. Slaton started the prayer and my father closed.

The journey is real. The moments ahead promise to be difficult yet the God we serve promises to never leave nor forsake us and with that we hold steady. He provides in all the details from us here to Trav in Nicaragua. He covers us.

Thank you for continuing to pray and walk this journey with our family.
Love you all.

Where is My God?

Dad update-
Today started as being the worst day that we have had. No change yet in the middle of the storm of not eating, uncontrolled pain , God surrounded us with His unbelievable love...before I even knew what we needed, He provided.

I've been asked where my God is now. I believe the exact words were..... Where is your God now that your mother, your daughter and now your father".... In the midst of all of that happened this morning....He was ever present. Present in the people that He placed in our path, sent our way. Present in the place He has put us. Present. Not just a prayer, not just a hope but present.

Tonight dad seems to be resting better. He still hasn't eaten but that is okay. We will walk this path in faith.... He's answering.... keep praying.

1 Timothy 6:13-16

1 Timothy 6:13-16
In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which God will bring about in his own time—God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see. To him be honor and might forever. Amen.

The good confession.

In front of a judge who would seemingly decide His worldly fate, He made the good confession when it might have been so much easier to have taken a different path. He made the good confession. Pilate asked a direct question and Jesus answered with clarity and boldness...with humility instead of arrogance.

How many times have we been given the opportunity to make "the good confession" and we have simply taken the different path? Perhaps it just didn't seem to be the right time, we didn't seem to have just the right relationship or we just didn't want to get involved so we don't. Or perhaps our response depends on where we are at when asked? Perhaps when we are in a place where an explanation of our faith will be appreciated or even heralded, we speak of our allegiance loudly. However, when we find ourselves in places where our faith will attract attention or quite possibly require, at the very least, an explanation, we quietly refrain from answering directly or perhaps not even at all.

Yet when we find ourselves needing Him and His provisions, we speak loudly. When we found ourselves wronged or treated unjustly by this world, we run quickly to His shelter. When we find ourselves knocking at death's door, we call out His name and He answers us. Every single time.

He reaches and draws us to Him without rebuke but rather with the softness of a Father who simply knows. He loves us. He just does. He gave us life and provides us with a Light that darkness can't extinguish....no matter how dark. A Light that shines through our darkest night and rivals our darkest day. It never fades nor does it ever cease to exist. A Light that isn't determined by what we define it as being but rather a Light that defines each of us completely independent of who we think we are. He sees us as who we truly are when oftentimes we can't see it ourselves. He sees His creation as in its purest form. He sees our beginning and our seemingly end on this earth which is highlighted by His ability to see past what we can see.
He makes no mistakes.

The world will discourage the boldness our faith. It just will. It will try to cause fear to guide our every steps seeking to discourage and contain us. But, as children of His, we were never meant to be contained. We were meant to soar on the wings of eagles, move mountains and stand boldly against the giants of this world. I dare say, however, it will only be when we step outside of our own strength, when we have spent all that we have inside ourselves and we have left everything at His feet that we will experience the greatness of Who He is. Only then can we soar when the wind and gravity drags us down. Only then can we move mountains that are entrenched in the earth. Only then can we stand firm no matter what we face off against.
Only then can we stand face to face against the mightiest judge in this land and not waver in our faith.

For some of us, it is a life long journey. We lay it down and pick it up. We walk in His strength until we can take it back ourselves. We live in constant upheaval of trying to do it on our own while proclaiming His greatness when, quite honestly, we haven't given Him the latitude to showcase His greatness. We have only experienced the previews. Today, we stand with the choice of Who we follow but we also stand with the necessity of being disciplined enough to follow and allow Him to lead.

Live different.

Another Slatonism....

Listening this morning Slaton explain to my brother the difference between him and us.....

My brother is Mr Fancy pants and we are dirty pants.

Still working on that definition......

Slatonism....

Slaton story.....

This afternoon dad was laying on the couch in the living room. Each time Slate walked by he'd look close at him...making sure he was still breathing. As I was sitting and reflecting on this and the thoughts that must be going through his head, he comes running in with a tissue and places it over dad's face.

" Look mom. Now we can tell when he stops breathing...see the tissue rise and fall.."

The ever working mind of our Slate.

I'm reminded as we are in this moment of our lives that we have no idea what is next nor when will He pass but our Father knows. None of this takes Him by surprise nor weakens Who He is. In that, I find comfort. I find a peace that passes all understanding.

July 28

I have learned when emotions run rampant and tend to cross in all directions then I should be still and just be.,...hard for me, but necessary.

This is hard.

See, I think I thought that I was somewhat prepared for this journey because of walking this almost identical path with my mom and then having already faced what very well could be one of my darkest days on this earth when Tae died. Having experienced God's faithfulness during each of these times, I was resting relatively easy knowing of His provisions to come. I've walked this journey with some of the ladies at the cancer shelter in Nicaragua. We've discussed heaven anticipating the end.

And I wasn't wrong to anticipate His faithfulness and His provisions...

Where I went wrong was unknowingly trying to anticipate the lies and deception of Satan. Our is God is constant...a firm foundation. He doesn't change. Satan, however, does. He intends to seek and destroy using whatever measures at hand. While this path may be similar it isn't the same nor will the next one be, however, God is and in that and only that can we rest easy.... not relatively easy but easy.

God will be glorified in this. This isn't about death nor the struggle to live but about in Whom we trust. This is a daily battle of choosing to walk close to Him so that when our end here comes we know His voice and it calms us. This is a choice about choosing to live our faith as a marathon instead of a series of sprints.

Our days on this earth are few...some shorter than others. And some may appear shorter than others but only He knows our when out last breath on this earth will be. Those days can be used to be lived to their fullest for His glory or they can simply be endured. They can be used to accumulate wealth for this earth or for the riches in heaven.

Our choice.

1 Timothy 6:12

1 Timothy 6:12
Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

The eternal life to which we were called.....

This is what we are to take hold of as we fight the good fight of the faith. This is what will propel us forward, will encourage us and guide us. It will sustain us through this world giving hope when there appears to be none. Offering peace when our bodies can't comprehend the trauma, it will feed our soul as if manna from the sky.

If only we would allow it to bathe us freely.

Instead, we allow fear to seep in. We struggle to find intellectually sound arguments and theories that allow us to seemingly remain in control. We focus on what we can build and formulate with our hands and minds. We find peace in bank accounts and people. We find security in who the world says we are.

Until we don't.

The world will only allow us to pretend to conquer it so far. The master of deception allows us to be lulled into thinking we are the master of our universe until we begin to flex our own muscles and thoughts...until we try to break away and then it willingly allows us to see the casualties that have fallen in our wake. At that moment, the tables turn and guilt is heaped upon our head.

Or perhaps, we never try to break away or stand apart but rather embrace all this world has to offer. We eagerly anticipate each stage mapped out in our life. From being single to married to family to empty nesters to senior citizens, we see the map laid out.

Until its not.

Then we fight the good fight for our life. We turn to every medical advancement and possibility. We cling to statistics that offer slivers of hope. We seek wisdom and direction from those who have devoted their lives to keeping others alive. We place our security in them, the machines and results.

And sometimes it seems to work, yet sometimes it doesn't.

What would our lives look like if the greatest fight that we have ever fought is the good fight of the faith? What if the greatest anger that we have ever experienced was due to a slight upon our faith? When we compare the moments in our lives that we have fought the fight, does our faith even play a part? We fight for love. We fight for honor. We fight for possession. We fight to be first in line or to win the best bargain. But do we ever fight the good fight for our faith? I dare say, do we even remember what it would look like?

It would revolutionize our lives if every decision, every relationship, every dollar spent was made in the light of eternity.

Live different.

Dating Advice and Brothers

Nothing like listening to your seven year old give your 23 year old dating advice....

Always carry a machete in your pocket in case she wants to make babies...

Always have a checklist with you on why your shouldn't have babies....they cry, poop and stink...

Thanking God for the gift of laughter....

July 24..

Today has been spent with thoughts trying to invade my mind....

Learning that quite possibly what we initially thought caused mom's cancer wasn't what caused it, reflecting on whether or not it is better to walk towards the valley of death or quickly run through it as we did with Tae, exploring the options that really aren't options.....
It is amazing how Satan responds to the valleys in our life. He dances us through them trying to dredge up fear and despair. He is quick to remind us of the past and blanket our thoughts with whys. He creates diversions and detours that try to lead us away from the only Truth on which we can stand.

It doesn't matter frankly. It doesn't. What matters today is in Whom we place tomorrow...in Whom we place today....this moment. And in this moment, we lay this at His feet. That doesn't mean we roll over and say done, that doesn't mean we don't cry or that we don't be active participants in this....it means that we stand without fear for what is to come because we know the One who chooses to prosper us and not to harm us.

It is in Him we place our trust.

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July 24

Four years ago.....

It is amazing how a room doesn't change. The feeling, the colors, quite possibly even the air feels and smells similar all the while unaware and unresponsive to those who enter and exit.
We were here with mom then. I sat in the same chair and looked into the same bird cage....an egg that hasn't hatched during all this time. We were perhaps naive then...new to this process and journey. Boundless hope in all that this world might offer, do this, sign that, go here, go there....and it is all good until its not.

And it wasn't. I don't walk into this room jaded nor discouraged but rather realistic. Realistic, I think as being defined as being much aware of the possibility of different outcomes other than what we might wish for. Realistic being much aware that statistics only matter for those on the winning side of the statistics. Realistic having experienced both the deaths of my mother and my only daughter.

Realistic in knowing in every part of me that heaven is very much real and that death is not the finality of our time here.

This room reminds me of this world that tries to lull us into thinking that everything stays the same, all is well and will always be...but those are just facades nicely arranged and decorated. And when our time here ends, it stands ready to greet the next person, unchanged, unresponsive to the living world that it surrounds. Perhaps if we decorated a room that reflected the true journey of the people it houses the reality would be too severe. It would cause us to face our own possible mortality instead of purposefully assuming that we control all of this.

However, we do know Who controls it all.....and in Him we can find rest in the palm of His Hands covered gently as with the softness of feathers.

Thankful for the feathers today......

July 22... Faith

How do we really know that when we take that last breath on this earth, our next moment is spent in His presence?

Faith.

Not blind faith but simply faith that has the assurance of being backed by the Great I Am. Faith that can be backed by Scripture and numerous personal accounts. Faith that initially starts as a small seed of faith but as it is watered and cultivated grows to become more than what the world might describe as wishful thinking but into the foundation of who we are.

I don't have to boat out to the horizon at the ocean to know that there is water on the other side nor do I have to analyze oxygen to know it is there for me to breathe. I know. Just as I know who my Creator is. As we live in this world, we are challenged. Our child-like faith takes many a beating....for some of us it seems to almost die. But He walks with us every step of the way encouraging and revealing as we are ready.

I've been asked if I personally have doubts? Not at all. I turned my life over to Christ late in life. I had spent probably close to fifteen years trying to disprove Him and those who followed Him. A born debater, it seems, I could spot a weakened link and pounce. I totally relate to Paul and his testimony. Until the day that I knew... I knew. It seemed ad if God opened my eyes as I was writing the date on a check and I knew that everything that I had been disputing was true.
And I knew then that there was no going back. I knew and by knowing I had a choice to follow Him or to be like the demons and know Him to be real yet turn my back.

We can poke holes all day in the reality of faith. We can. But it doesn't change the Truth. The choice to believe and follow is ours. No one else's.

Do I believe Tae is in heaven? Absolutely. She was ushered in as she left this world.

Either we believe or we don't.

1 Timothy 6:11

1 Timothy 6:11
But you, man of God, flee from all of this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.

Flee. Pursue.

Not passive words but descriptive verbs requiring action on our part. Instructions given to offer us direction. Guidance imparted to us to give permission to literally flee from the evilness and temptations of this world.

Too often, though, we try to endure both sides. We listen to instructions we should never hear, we entertain circles we should never enter into and we remain long after the darkness has been brought to light. We want to be liked. We want to help. We want to make a difference. And when we stay when we should have ran, when we linger when we should have walked or when we dabble when we should have left, we wait passively for God to save us.

When all along we could have just walked away.....to be obedient and simply flee right from the beginning.

If we flee from the beginning, we skip all of the baggage that we slowly tend to collect. If we run instead of linger, we forego the pain and suffering that will be heaped upon us. If we leave instead of dabble, we allow ourselves to be protected instead of willingly walking into the gallows.

We, alone, control what we allow ourselves, our minds and souls be privy to as we live in this world. A choice. Initially, fleeing is difficult. It follows both from the outside and from inside our own mind. People who are used to us partaking in gossip, greed and earthly desires will continue to expect us to continue as we have in the past. First by lightheartedly pushing then by hurtful slurs and threats. We will loose relationships. We will live set apart. Invitations will cease and conversations change.

Perhaps though, the greatest battleground is in our mind. We play through old memories, broken promises and unfiltered dreams. We linger at what could have been choosing to entertain our emotions from within our mind. We harbor regrets and anger. We think thoughts that we would never speak for fear that someone might hear. They stay unfettered in the recesses of our mind.

Flee. No questions or arguments. Flee.

Pursue love, righteousness, godliness, faith, endurance and gentleness instead. Again, active engagement, active choices. Each of us choose how we desire to live. Do we flee the things of this world and pursue those of our Creature?

Choose wisely. Live worthy.

Death be not Feared.....

I don't believe that Satan has any power outside of what God had allowed him. None. Even, satan is under his Creator's command.

Death is nothing more than transitioning from this world and into our eternal home. Presence of God.

Death means leaving a decayed body and broken world and entering into a place without sin.

I was recently told, by a well meaning friend, that during this time it is okay to let my guard down..... What she doesn't realize is that my guard was let down when I gave my life to Him. As I have learned to walk with Him, maturing in my faith, I have learned that there really never was a guard because our God knows it all, yes?

My dad, while I will miss him greatly here, will be fine. He is assured to be ushered right into his Savior's arms. Do I really believe that? Enough that I have dedicated my life to it. Enough that I can only imagine my daughter and mom welcoming him home.

Death is not to be feared.

July 20.... Talks with Pappa

And this is how they started.....From the time Slate was born, they talk together about everything....just talk.

They have the same blue eyes and toes as Slate always points out.

Today we go to the doctor to discuss the plan of action. The biopsy confirmed pancreatic cancer. Adenocarcinoma. Just in the short time that we have arrived, he has weakened.

Not sure what the plan will be....we are ready and willing to do whatever he wishes.

Thanks for praying with our family.

Blessings....

As Slate went to bed tonight....
"I'll be the best big brother ever....well, not as good as Devon but close."
Love it.

Power of Prayer....

The power of prayer is amazing....

Never underestimate the power of the Great I Am.

My life has become answered prayers and miracles all around. The world might see tragedy and strife but there is truly sweet unboundless joy.

Please continue to pray for my dad..... Unbelievable provisions.

Reflections

I've watched Slaton walk through the valley of death with people he has greatly loved several times now. He has experienced more death in his life of seven years than I had experienced up until I was in my thirties. Each time, I have seen him look to is for our initial response and then follow forward reflecting our emotions, our thoughts and our choices that we make as we walk these paths.

Today as we fly out to be with my father not knowing the road that lies ahead we go with open hands anticipating God's hand in all of this. 

And as I contemplated our arrival, it dawned on me to evaluate to whom I reflect? When I am caught in a place that I've never been, when I am caught unaware and instinctively look for guidance, who do I turn to? I was challenged today to look always to our Father and reflect Him....to follow His lead, His actions and His response...just assuredly as Slaton follows mine.
The world offers a variety of options. We can reflect those who grieve with no hope. We can reflect those who fall apart in despair. We can reflect those who retreat into denial or we can reflect the only One who offers true Hope.

A reflection that embraces the assurance that our foundation is secure. A reflection that is real and not a facade that will fade away. A reflection that becomes so great that joy can be found amidst the valley....unexplainable joy.

I choose to walk this path looking only toward our Father in Heaven. He says that He has conquered this world. So I can stand firm. He says that we can never be plucked from His hand. So I can face life and death with the assurance of Him. He says that He covers me with feather.

So I can rest knowing it is He who holds me.

I pray that it is He whom I reflect, always.

Healings

Healings......

Have I asked God to heal my father and have I asked Him with the boldness that comes from the expectation that it will be fulfilled?

Or do I walk timidly asking Him for only what I know He can deliver?

For the past several weeks prior to dad's diagnosis, I had been overwhelmed with a thirst for His word. Finding myself reading scripture outside of my typical reading pattern and patiently letting myself soak in His word...trying to put myself into the settings of those who wrote the Scriptures as they experienced life while being taught by the Great I Am.

Initially, it seems that would just amazing, yes? To be disciples by the author of our faith, but what about life that happened around the discipleship? What about day to day living? We don't have a journal account of it all. We have the highlights and important parts but what about the emotions, the struggles, the tears and laughter. What about the feeling in he stomach when Truth really, really broke through????

And that is where I want to live. There. In that place. The place where Truth is most evident. Do I think God can heal my Father? Absolutely. Will I beg Him for it? No, probably not. I will implore of Him that His will be done...not mine. I don't know what that outcome looks like but I do know that His outcome holds the plans for my father to prosper him and not harm him, plans to love him and protect him....for eternity. My earthly plans for my dad would be simply that he would never leave us...ever. And what kind of plan is that other than a selfish one. I will choose to rejoice in His call, His decision, His wisdom.

Sometimes maybe the balance becomes where the prosperity is less in this world and harm is more and then we are blessed beyond our biggest imaginations.

Does it bother me when others pray for his healing? Not at all. Please pray for my father. Pray for all that are sick and ill. Pray with the expectation that they will be healed....in His timing....in His place....ether in this world or beyond. Don't become disillusioned or saddened when prayer of healing doesn't seem to be answered. It doesn't mean you weren't praying enough , strong enough or loud enough. It simply means that God answered in a way that was better than your desires.

Hands opened wide....this is all His. And we are okay with that.

July 19

The boy and his Pappa

Today has been a reflective day of sorts. Dad commenting that no children should have to go through this....and so soon after loosing Tae.

We all will go through this in some form or fashion. Death is not a respecter of people or persons but rather the most objective visitor of all.....

I'm wiser than I was when we traveled this path with mom and more reflective than even with Taellor. Death and I have become old friends of sort. Not good friends but the type of friend that you know is coming and means no harm yet has to complete its task.

We walk slowly..... purposefully and in faith.

July 18.... Heading Home to Pappa

Heading home to Pappa one last time..... True to form, an unknowing person in line asked Slate in what fun vacation he was going on with his mother. "My Pappa had cancer and he maybe joining my sister and Nanna in heaven soon." As the stranger stuttered a bit and them looked at me for an explanation, Slate simply said, "I'm going home to Pappa."

There are many journeys and paths that we must walk even when we don't want to. Too often, I think that we have begun to believe that to be in obedience or to walk in His path means happiness and total bliss. Yet, obedience is filed with both bliss and tears, happiness and sorrow.

It isn't in the emotions...it is in the discipline to follow.

Life Interrupted.....

For those of you who follow on my Facebook page, you are aware that my dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer the middle of July.  Slaton and I flew back to be with him.  Three weeks and six days later, he passed away...making the transition to heaven peacefully.  I titled this as life interrupted, however, God has reaffirmed to me time and time again that this wasn't my life interrupted at all but the interruptions on my life are the ones that I place in them outside of what He has planned.

I am the interruption. 

During that time, my posts went back to being more about death, the process and the aftermath.  I'm going to try to post them on here in hopes that the journey might encourage others that are walking the same or similar path.  It was easier this time....and God was ever faithful....as always.

1 Timothy 6:19 The True Life

1 Timothy 6:19

In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

So that we might take hold of the life that is truly life.

Hard to imagine, isn't it? A life better than this? A life that is so much more than we live today that it is considered the true life and this is simply the shadows leading up to it.
Hard to imagine.

Especially when we put so much into this life. Creating our world so that it is as perfect as we can make it. We strive to become self-sufficient and self-aware while searching to answer the questions that linger inside our souls. And, yet, this is not our true life.

We create personal masterpieces in the ways of our homes, careers, families, our bodies and sometimes our churches. We expend our time and energy searching for the next big thing, whatever that might be. We are constantly searching for the "thing" that will allow us to arrive, allow us to be still, allow us to fit in and be content.

When God told Noah to build an ark, Noah sat out to obey his command. He built and labored amidst hecklers and unbelievers, yet he stayed steadfast and on point. He knew to Whom he listened. He knew what really mattered. He knew the voice of His Lord so well that he completed the task without a single drop of rain as encouragement or confirmation. He obeyed.
I'm afraid today many of us would approach the task in a multitude of ways. We would try to walk on both sides of the fence. We would build the ark but we would try to find a way that would also appease the hecklers. We would find a way suitable to them that would either involve them, entertain them or at the very least be hospitable to them in some manner....when sometimes, just maybe, there are to be moments that cause uncomfortableness deep in ones soul. Moments that require a response from the person within instead of being glossed over by others for fear of causing discomfort.

Or, perhaps, we would want to see confirmation. Just one drop of rain. One drop of water. Clouds forming in the distant. We'd get our inner circle together and pray about it and discuss it. We would read books about it. We would gather in the troops...the real builders to oversee it. We would make it our project instead of God's or we wouldn't even make it to the point of making it a project at all.

There is a Voice that speaks directly to our soul. Do we listen? Do we even recognize it and know when to listen? And then how do we react? Our true life awaits....will we choose to live it.

Live worthy.